


A Grimm Experience

by orphan_account



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Magic Made Them Do It, crackfic, dubcon, magic gone awry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-13 07:38:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16013333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What happens when some of fairy tales's most notable characters find themselves trapped in a countered curse gone awry? Unexpected romances and hilarity, of course! This tale is inspired by an episode from the TV show, Grimm, and written as a gift for some naughty friends, but all are welcome to enjoy/giggle at it.





	1. A Chance Meeting

****Trees, trees, and more trees. That’s all there ever was in the Enchanted Forest, and Cal was sick of them. She was on her way to the Misthaven Fair to sell what remained of the silver her mother had left her. Headstrong and independent, she had pooh-poohed her neighbor’s offer of a map and was hopelessly lost.

Now, standing in a clearing trying to get her bearings using the sun, she hears a twig snap. Before she can turn around, a deer leaps out in front of her and dashes off. Cal hears a vague shout as she falls to the ground. In a daze, she looks to her left arm, wondering to herself why it won’t move, only to see a large arrow protruding out of it. Just before she blacks out, Cal manages to utter, “Oh, fuck this.”

~

David’s morning had been a gift from Rumplestiltskin. In a word, it was hell. Everyone seemed to be fighting with everyone else. Even Snow seemed bent on making his day miserable, going on and on about how she missed the days when she ran freely through the forest, dodging bounty hunters, instead of being laced into a tight dress trying to negotiate yet another trade agreement that would inevitably fail. (Damn Duke Weaselton and his weasel of an ego!) Enough was enough.

David was determined to escape the chaos of his palace. As he changed into his hunting gear, he trampled down the guilt at the thought of leaving Snow to deal with the wheedling envoys. His valet, Richardson, didn’t say a word as he helped the king out of his royal garb, preferring to telegraph his disapproval with the occasional sigh or harrumph. Richardson had served Snow’s father, the late king, and while he served David well, it was all too clear that his loyalty and love was reserved for his Queen. David had no doubts that as soon as he left the chamber, Richardson would be running off to report to Snow that her husband had deserted her yet again. He’d just have to make it up to her when he got back.

~

The jostling of the carriage was getting on Regina’s last nerve. Never mind that the peasants no longer feared her what with their good Queen Snow protecting them. Or that her magic had failed to manifest this morning, which she found out at the most inopportune time, of course. Threatening to rip out a man’s heart and failing to do so was unacceptable. Now she was a laughingstock in her realm and had to secretively travel to the troll bridge in the Enchanted Forest, in the heart of enemy territory, to meet with Rumplestiltskin. Curse him! It was probably his idea of a good time to taunt her with her enemy’s happiness when she was most vulnerable. Once she got her magic back, she’d make him pay.

~

Unaware of Regina’s brewing revenge fantasies, Rumple paced along the troll bridge, morose and pitying himself. He had been the perfect host to the wench. Hadn’t he promised to protect her kingdom from the ogres if only she would look after him in turn? It was a reasonable request. More than reasonable. He gave her food and a place to sleep. Even when she broke a teacup, he had brushed it off as nothing. Who was she to meddle in his affairs, taking pity on a thief and releasing him from Rumple’s dungeons? Damn that Belle! Everything had been so wonderful—Rumple was even considering surprising Belle with his library given the way she talked about books—and now it was all ruined. Shattered. Like every beautiful moment before in his miserable life.

Rumple didn’t know if it was a fortuitous coincidence or a nightmare of a joke when he received word that Regina wanted to meet with him about her magic malfunctioning. She was too clever to go into details and Rumple was immediately intrigued to see if he might find a new vulnerability to exploit. He decided to humor her and requested a meeting in the middle of the land she deeply despised. Oh, he’d punish Belle for her insubordination, but first he’d take out the brunt of his anger on his protégé.

~

Killian looked across the clearing as he started to clean the rabbits Kaylin had caught earlier that morning. He smiled to himself as he watched Gigi prancing around trying to catch a butterfly, humming happily to herself. Last night, before falling asleep, she had asked him if they could have a pet bear. He never could figure out where those thoughts of hers came from.

Giorgianna, or Gigi as she preferred to be called, was the daughter of some fancy lord in a neighboring kingdom but had promptly run away with Killian when she saw him standing on his ship in the harbor. In her, Killian recognized a kindred spirit lusting for adventure and the unbridled freedom that could only be found when one had no one to answer to but oneself. Immediately drawn to each other, Killian granted her request to travel with him and neither ever looked back. That was four years ago.

A year later, they had picked up Kaylin who was all too happy to escape her unhappy marriage to a barkeep. At first, Killian worried how Gigi would react to another woman; it wasn’t too long before he realized he was at the disadvantage. Kaylin and Gigi bonded within days and soon were joined in pranking him for their own amusement. Each were very happy to switch off nights with Killian. Eventually, it was Killian who instituted a new schedule where he could be free of their tantalizing, sensual hands for one night of true rest every week.

Shaking himself free of his thoughts, Killian calls out to Gigi to let her know the rabbits are ready to be roasted and she should find Kaylin. Twirling around at the sound of his voice, Gigi giggles, mock salutes, and runs off into the forest to find Kaylin. As on most days, Killian pauses to appreciate how lucky he was to have these two gorgeous women in his life—the dream of any man. He starts to think of what he could get Gigi at the fair in the next town that could be as exciting as a bear, but far less dangerous. He would get Kaylin something too, of course, but she was easy. He smiles to himself as he imagines her delight when he would return with hear dearest wish, a mewing, silky black kitten.

~

Dani lazily opened her eyes and looked over at her sister who was still talking animatedly to a young woman they had run into at the stream. River had coaxed Dani to join her on her walk this afternoon as she knew Dani loved to picked the wildflowers in the area. When they had arrived, they had found a woman wading in the stream, splashing the water with her feet in delight and completely unaware of having been discovered. Instead of stopping when she spotted Dani and River, she beckoned them to join her. River needed little convincing and had her shoes off in seconds. Dani merely waved a greeting and started to pick the flowers that she liked best.

River had introduced Dani to the stranger once they noticed Dani had sat down by the stream, arms full of flowers. River had said her name was Katelyn or Keelan or something like that. Dani was too shy to interrupt the conversation to ask River. Suddenly, the quietness of the Forest is shattered as a loud voice calls out, “Kaylin? Where are you? Hook says the rabbits are ready!”

“Ah! Kaylin. That’s what River said her name is,” Dani thinks to herself.

Closely following the voice, a young woman comes barreling through between the trees and stops abruptly in front of Dani, swaying dangerously from her momentum but manages to catch herself just in time from falling over. Kaylin doubles over from laughing as she watches Gigi just narrowly avoid from falling on top of Dani. She takes River’s hand and brings her over for introductions. Soon, Dani finds herself hooked arm in arm with Gigi as River and Kaylin walk together ahead, heads together like two conspirators hatching a plot. They had been invited to join Kaylin and Gigi for the noon meal and to meet their friend with the odd name. Dani hoped they had enough rabbits to go around.


	2. A Hazy Afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m Robin. Nice to meet you. Marian, my wife, will be delighted to have another woman in camp to talk to. But I should warn you that my merry band of men may be a little raucous. Don’t let their teasing fool you; they are utterly harmless and have a soft spot for damsels in distress. And here we are.”

This was the day they had been saving up for. 500 pieces of gold was a fortune many lifetimes over but, in this lifetime, it would be the ransom for her freedom. As Miles ran ahead of her before turning sharply to look back from the top of the hill, Jill sighed and continued to put one foot in front of the other. She dreaded what awaited them in the center of town.

Reynold was a hard taskmaster and treated all of his girls abominably. He had sneered at Jill the day she had finally had enough and snapped at him what it would cost to be free of his hell house of ill repute. 500 gold. She had paled at the number and, later that night, sobbed to Miles that she would never be free.

Sold as a scullery maid at the age of 3, Jill had been kept by Reynold who planned to have her turning tricks as soon as he could find a man willing to pay. That’s how, at 14 years of age, Jill found out what really hid underneath a man’s britches. Over the years, she had made few friends. Mothers would glare if she dared to walk too close to their children as if whoring was a disease that could be caught. 

But Miles, sweet, kind, passionate Miles had never cared what others thought. Raised by a single father who treated her like a son, she had learned all of the masculine arts, and none of the feminine. Fleet of foot, she had earned her name by outrunning every single boy in the annual race at the fair. By the time they were 18, Miles could outride, outfight, and outtalk any boy in their town. It was Miles who hatched the desperate plan that Jill never, in her wildest dreams, would have thought would actually be possible.

King Midas had offered a reward for anyone that could rid his kingdom of a particularly grotesque ogre. Upon hearing the announcement, Miles decided to give it a try. That’s what she had said, “Jill, I’m going to give it a try.” Terrified, Jill had pleaded with Miles, pointing out that bashing boys on the side of their heads in a mock village tournament would be nothing to taking down, actually _killing_ , an ogre. But Miles was undeterred, and so it was with tears streaming down her face that Jill had bid her best friend goodbye, reconciled to never seeing her again. Two weeks later, when Miles had resurfaced at Jill’s cottage with a shit-eating grin and dropped a bag of gold on her table, Jill promptly fainted.

They were now on their way to Reynold’s inn to buy out Jill’s freedom. Miles, fearless as ever, had reassured Jill that if Reynold reneged on the deal, she would slay him on the spot. After all, what was a nasty, petty man to an ogre-slayer?

~

A fairy godmother sounded perfect right about now to Angelica. She had just lost her third job babysitting brats that month as food was scarce, times were hard, and her disdain for children was getting harder to hide. That’s how she found herself gingerly navigating the rocky, brambly path that led through the Enchanted Forest to the castle.

Someone had told someone who had told the innkeeper who had mentioned it in Angelica’s hearing that there was work at the castle. She doubted the Queen, kind as people said she was, would want someone like her watching over any royal children, but maybe she could work in the stables—she did love horses—or she could watch over the royal pets. She always did better with animals than human beings. She chuckled at the idea of being the Keeper of the Menagerie if there was such a thing.

Angelica was so caught up in her own amusement at her thoughts that she never noticed a particularly nasty tree root in her path. Tripping over the root, she lost her footing and started rolling down a steep ridge. Too winded to scream, let alone sit up, Angelica wheezes in frustration as she lies at the bottom of the ridge, cursing her rotten luck. A fairy godmother would definitely be useful.

A voice startles her out of her self-pity. 

“That was a nasty fall, my lady.”

Angelica glares at the shadow hovering over her. “I didn’t notice. I just thought I’d lie here as it feels _so_ very comfortable.”

The shadow barks out a laugh as he bends down to pull her into his arms, gently cradling her.

Warily, Angelica asks, “What are you doing?”

“I plan to kidnap you and sell you as tribute to the trolls living under the bridge to buy clear passage for me and my men.”

Freezing in panic for a moment, Angelica looks at her captor in horror. Before she can fight to get free of the strong arms, her captor laughs again.

“You should see your face. Calm down. I’m taking you back to camp where my wife can take a look at your ankle. I don’t think it’s broken, just sprained. But she’ll know.”

Relaxing against the man carrying her, Angelica realizes she has a burning question. “Who are you?”

With a merry twinkle in his eye, he teases her, “As I am saving you, perhaps you should tell me your name first.” 

“Angelica Marine.”

“I’m Robin. Nice to meet you. Marian, my wife, will be delighted to have another woman in camp to talk to. But I should warn you that my merry band of men may be a little raucous. Don’t let their teasing fool you; they are utterly harmless and have a soft spot for damsels in distress. And here we are.”

~

Rumple continued to pace up and down the troll bridge. Regina was late. Regina was never late. The thought of this being an ambush not far from his mind, he sulkily turns around as he hears an angry flutter of wings.

“You stole her!”

A furious, teal fairy grew in size before Rumple’s eyes as she glared at him. She repeats her statement.

“You. Stole. Her!”

Rumple bats at the fairy in annoyance but she flits around his head, easily avoiding his scaly hands.

“You had no right. I love her. Belle loves me. Gaston wouldn’t have cared. You stole her!”

Rumple pauses, a smirk gracing his lips, “And so I did. Because I can. And I’ve squirreled her away, where you’ll never find her. Eeheeheehee!”

The fairy furiously and repeatedly pokes at him with her wand. “You fiend. You hideous, monstrous fiend! I will find her! I will always find her! You wouldn’t understand. You don’t know how to love. And even if you did, no one would ever love _you_.”

At that, Rumple’s face contorts into a truly terrifying scowl. “Oh, is that so? Well, maybe I should just remove your memory of her. Then you’ll never find her as you won’t even know who she is!”

As he raises his hand to deliver good on his threat, the fairy waves her wand, ready to negate his magic. Both pause in shock as a loud, thunderous boom echoes through the forest and a teal haze settles around them.

The fairy stares at Rumple in horror and gasps, “ _What_ did you just do?”

Rumple stares her down, fear creeping into his eyes, “Astraea, what did _you_ just do?”


	3. A Worried Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Queens have ridden into battle while pregnant. I’m just going for a ride through a forest to find my errant husband and bring him back to get all dolled up to deal with the envoys. In fact, the minute I find him, I might stuff him into a corset!"

Everyone looked up from what they were doing when the boom rattled the castle’s stone walls. Snow exchanged a quick look with Zenobia and Mak, her two most trusted advisers. Gradually the muted whispers rose into a cacophonous din of worry in the great hall as a teal haze was seen spreading out around the Enchanted Forest. It was perilously close to the castle walls before it dissipated. Sighs of relief could be heard all around them.

Silently, Mak arched an eyebrow at her Queen who imperceptibly nodded back. Zenobia watched the exchange like a hawk and immediately withdrew into the antechamber. She was soon joined by Mak. Neither spoke as they waited for Snow to sneak away.

“I’ve asked Reul Ghorm to join us.”

Zenobia nods. “A wise decision. That haze looked like fairy magic.” Mak continued to look out the window, gazing thoughtfully at the treetops.

“Didn’t Richardson say David had ridden out earlier this morning?”

Mak finally turns to look at Snow and nods, “He literally gloated that the king was shirking his royal duties again. But you know what the king is like. He’s always cautious. He’s probably out there saving some damsel.” 

Snow sits down in the chair closest to her, a hand protectively wrapped around her growing stomach. The room turns silent, each woman lost in their own thoughts. A twinkle of blue light catches all of their eyes as the Blue Fairy flies in.

“That was indeed fairy magic, Your Majesty, but there was something else twisted in it.”

Mak took it upon herself to ask the obvious question, “Which fairy was it, Reul? Which one of your latest trainees decided to make an even bigger mess than Tinker Bell?”

The Blue Fairy lazily flutters over to Mak and looks at her reproachfully, “We aren’t evil beings, Makaria. We don’t live to wreak havoc. Clearly it’s a spell gone awry.”

Sighing, Mak shrugs her shoulders and locks eyes with Snow. “Well, whatever the intent was, I want to know what just transpired. I am taking Sir Spankles out there to assess the damage.”

As Snow moves to get up, Mak observes wryly, “And I suppose nothing we say about your _delicate_ condition will dissuade you from following, is there?”

Snow rolls her eyes before replying, “Queens have ridden into battle while pregnant. I’m just going for a ride through a forest to find my errant husband and bring him back to get all dolled up to deal with the envoys. In fact, the minute I find him, I might stuff him into a corset! Let’s go, Mak!”

~ 

As Snow consulted with Zenobia who was to stay behind and manage the castle, Mak raced on ahead to the stables. Sir Spankles, ever alert, was already pawing at the ground with his hooves, rearing to dash off. Mak placed a gloved hand against the beautiful horse’s black mane, stroking it gently. The Andalusian immediately calmed at her touch and tilted its head as if to enquire why its usually jovial mistress was looking uncharacteristically grim.

The groom on duty had already saddled Sir Spankles but Mak checked the saddle herself as she always did to ensure everything was properly belted. As she did so, she whispered to the horse, “He’s done it again. Ridden off without so much as a by your leave and left the Queen to handle the boring affairs of state. And he didn’t even have the good sense to not get caught in the middle of some novice’s magic! You know, I have half a mind to leave him out there if I thought I could convince Snow.”

The horse snorted at her as if to ask how she could be so heartless before it nuzzled her pockets looking for the apple she always brought him. Sir Spankles was definitely not shy, not since the first day when Lord George of House Khaliel had trotted him out to her, loudly proclaiming the warhorse as a gift of thanks from the noblemen for serving the kingdom so well. As the horse butted his head against her in search of treats, George had beamed at her when he informed them all he had taken the liberty of bestowing a noble name on the horse.

At the time, Mak had gritted her teeth and forced a smile on her face. She let George think he’d gotten the best of her in their age-old pranking war. It wasn’t until two nights later, during the celebratory feast, when he was sneaking Lady Victoria Gardner off to his chambers, that George discovered he had sorely underestimated his dear friend. He’d opened his door to find thousands of water goblets filled to the brim lining every inch of the floor. Lady Victoria had flounced off, muttering about the immaturity of men.

~

“You don’t have to rein in Spankles for my sake, Mak. I can keep up, you know.”

Mak clucks at her horse to speed up into a canter and she feels Sir Spankles’s immediate relief at being allowed to move at a pace more suited to his spirit. Behind her, Snow clucks at her mare, Dusk, who easily keeps pace with the other horse. When they get to the edge of the Forest, Mak slows Sir Spankles to a walk and turns to look at Snow.

“So where do we start? His favorite place to hunt? Or that stream you both like to race to?”

Snow leans back in her saddle a little as she took in the eerie quiet of the Forest. Not even the chirp of a bird could be heard. The silence was stifling, unsettling. Turning Dusk to the left, Snow responds, “Let’s head to where David usually hunts. He can’t have gone too far in.”

Mak leads, setting the pace again. “I have a bad feeling about this, Snow. Let’s find him and get back to the castle before night falls.”

“Trust me, I don’t plan to stay out here longer than we have to. And, as it so happens, when we were leaving, I left Zenobia in charge and she promised to have a feast waiting for us. You know she’d never forgive us if we missed another of her feasts.”

Mak groans quietly to herself. Zenobia’s feasts were legendary, but deadly. She was the consummate host; everyone knew that Zenobia was the only one that could convince the Royal Cook to make the most delectable delicacies and they always enjoyed outdoing themselves with each new feast.

The most memorable feast to date took place two years ago, and it had nothing to do with the food. One of the knights had had one too many of the liquor laced dessert cakes and ended up performing a very amusing, intricate dance he had improvised on the spot, wrapped only in a curtain. Poor Odysseus Wade hadn’t been spotted at a feast since.

All thoughts of the upcoming feast flee from her mind when she and Snow are startled by a frantic, riderless horse galloping past them down the road they had just came.

“Mak…that was—“

“I know. I saw it too. That doesn’t mean anything. Don’t even think about it. You’ll find him. You always find him.”

Mak urges her horse onward, her lips set in a grim line. The anxious, white horse that had galloped past still had its saddle. Belted to the saddle was a sword, sheathed in a scabbard stamped with the unmistakable royal coat of arms of the king.


	4. A Naughty Monkey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t even think about it. You throw shit at my face, and I’ll skin you alive.”

A bloody bear. How was Killian going to find a bear and tame it without being devoured? That, Gigi had said, was _his “_ conundrum.” The girl really had a way with words.

He had finally arrived at the best plan; he just didn’t know how to get it to work. It was easy to decide he just needed to convince Gigi to want another pet. _How_ he was going to convince her remained elusive. As Killian cooks the rabbits over the fire, he mutters to himself, trying to figure out the steps to implement his plan. 

He figures he has a better chance capturing and training a dragon than avoiding the tongue-lashing from a disappointed Gigi. He shakes his head at the thought, fervently hoping there wasn’t some kind of telepathy between them. The last thing he needed was for Gigi to return, change her mind, and ask for a dragon.

Just then, a twinkling of bells catches Killian’s attention. On the road near him, he sees a little cart drawn by a pony with an elderly woman holding the reins. The cart is packed with cages of different sizes. He spots a sad kitten among the cages near the back and runs to flag the woman down.

“Good afternoon, my dear woman. Are you headed to the fair?”

The woman pulls on the reins to stop her cart and smiles crookedly at Killian. “What’s it to you?”

“I was wondering if you are willing to part with any of the creatures.”

The woman tilts her head slightly to one side as she takes stock of Killian. “The creatures I have collected are rather rare. I don’t think you can afford them.”

Just as Killian was about to say he had lots of gold, Gigi runs up to him with a stranger’s arm hooked in hers. Killian notes that the poor girl being enthusiastically dragged by Gigi looks like she wishes someone would set her free. Seeing the cartful of animals, Gigi drops Dani’s arm and scurries over to a particularly vicious looking lynx. At this point, Kaylin and River catch up to the other two girls, and when Kaylin sees what Gigi is cooing over, she rolls her eyes.

“I want this one. I won’t need a bear if I have this cute kitty!”

“Oh, for crocodile’s sake, Gigi, that is _not_ a kitten!”

“But, Killian! Look at it! It looks so cute and cuddly.”

Gigi is too busy cooing over the lynx to notice the others exchange concerned glances over her head. Whatever the lynx looked, it was definitely not cute or cuddly.

“Gigi, _this_ is a kitty! Come look!” Kaylin points to a sad looking ocicat curled in on itself. The cat buries its head between its front two paws when the elderly woman speaks.

“That is Lexi. Pitiable thing she is. Terrified of her own shadow.”

Kaylin’s heart feels like it’s about to burst out of her at the sad picture the cat presents. She looks at Killian with the saddest, pleading eyes he’s ever seen. He knows he’s lost, and gestures at Gigi with his head. Kaylin’s face brightens up with a smile knowing that Killian is going to buy the cat for her as soon as he can bargain for a discount when Gigi makes her selection.

As Kaylin pets Lexi between the bars of the cage, Gigi moves on to another cage containing a tarantula and shudders. She turns to her attention to yet another cage containing a hedgehog and coos over it too. The elderly woman looks on, amusement clear on her face.

Gigi moves on to _yet_ another cage containing a turtle. She pokes at it a few times but the turtle ignores her presence. With a sigh, Gigi climbs onto the cart to observe a chameleon lazing about in the sun. Just as she turns to a cage with a fennec fox, Killian’s loud cussing makes her whip her head back to the group.

“ _What_ the actual fuck was that for? This smells piss awful! Get it off of me, Kaylin!”

Kaylin is no help as she leans on the cart, laughing so hard that she can barely breathe. River is howling with laughter and even shy Dani is giggling uncontrollably at an indignant Killian furiously wiping at his face.

“Ah, that would be Joseph. He’s a rather naughty monkey,” explains the elderly woman, smirking down at the man whose pride is clearly wounded.

Gigi moves over to the cage containing a golden-headed lion tamarin with the silkiest fur she’s ever seen. The monkey tilts his head at her as if to challenge her. Without breaking eye contact, Gigi hisses, “Don’t _even_ think about it. You throw shit at my face, and I’ll skin you alive.”

Joseph blinks at her and then looks at Killian who backs away from the cart a couple of steps. Gigi has an odd feeling that the monkey understands more than they know. In a low whisper, Gigi says, “Hit him again right on the nose, and I’ll take you home with us.” Joseph squints at Gigi for a long time before he picks up another patty and aims for Killian. The turd hits its target with a cringe-worthy _squish_. Gigi winks at Joseph and turns to Killian, “Forget the big kitten. I want Joseph.”

Killian pales and tries to reason with Gigi who glares him down. “I. Want. The. Monkey.”

Sighing—and Killian realizes he just might be doing more of that from now on—the resigned pirate looks up at the elderly woman and asks simply, “How much?”

She chuckles. “I don’t care much to repeat myself. I collect rare creatures and Lexi and Joseph are the rarest of the lot. You can’t afford them." 

Kaylin pipes up, “She’s a kitten. They’re not rare at all!”

The elderly woman snaps at Kaylin, “Well then, why don’t you just get a cat from somewhere else if they’re not so rare!”

At that, Lexi lets out a soft, heart-wrenching mew and licks Kaylin’s finger gently. Kaylin’s face hardens and she stares at the woman, “Whatever price you ask, we’ll pay it. How much?”

“For Lexi, I’ll take a strand of that beautiful hair of yours. And for Joseph, I want a tear from each girl.”

Confused, Kaylin stutters out, “I…..don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to. Do we have a deal?”

Gigi promptly rips out a strand of Kaylin’s hair, hands it over to the woman, and takes a vial from her to collect the tears. “Deal.”

Kaylin gasps in pain as a tear rolls down her face, “Gigi, this doesn’t feel right.”

Gigi ignores Kaylin, collecting the tear rolling down her face, before squeezing out a tear of her own.

River protests loudly. “I can’t just cry on the spot! And I’m not surrendering a tear when I’m not getting anything.”

Gigi looks at the older girl and slaps her across the face. As River’s eyes smart from the sting, Gigi happily collects a tear. “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?” River is still in too much shock to respond.

Dani takes a step back and holds up a hand to stop Gigi. “Don’t. You don’t need to slap me. I can make myself yawn until I get a tear. Just give me a couple of minutes.” Dani proceeds to fake yawn until she’s actually yawning and a couple tears slide down her face. Gigi smiles widely as she collects one, stoppers the vial, and turns around to hand the vial back to the woman. She then proudly collects her prize and sets him free of the cage. Joseph hesitates for a moment before hopping out and clambering onto Gigi’s right shoulder.

Kaylin rubs the side of her head as she unlocks the cage containing Lexi. Just as Kaylin is wondering to herself how to coax the kitten out without having her eyes scratched out, Lexi stands up on her paws and jumps into Kaylin’s arms, purring happily, and nuzzling the girl. Kaylin turns to Killian and kisses him on the cheek before turning back to coo over Lexi. This is the happiest Killian has seen her since the day he and Gigi had told her she was welcome to join them. He guides the girls back to the camp site and proceeds to hand out the roasted rabbits. He makes sure to give Joseph a wide berth.


	5. A Suspicious Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He may be a good man, but he’s not a subtle one.”

“Miles, please stop running so far ahead. You know I can’t keep up. We also still don’t know what that loud boom was.” Jill was getting irritated. The sun was burning hot, the trees felt like they were closing in, and every step that took her closer to town felt heavier. It didn’t help that Miles kept running circles around her.

“Jill, the sooner we deal with Reynold, the sooner we can go home and have a little fun,” teased Miles.

Jill is in no mood for lightheartedness and grumbles, “It’s easy for you since you’re already free.”

Miles pauses in her hyperactivity and looks at her friend reproachfully. Stifling a yawn, she says, “I thought this was what you wanted. I’m just trying to help.”

Jill also stifles a yawn and shakes her head to clear it. “I do want this. I’m just also dreading confronting him. Can we take a break?”

Miles plops down near a tree and leans against it. She pats the mossy ground next to her. “Let’s take a quick rest. I could use a nap.”

Jill eyes Miles suspiciously as she curls up next to her. “ _You_ could use a nap? When have you ever been this tired?”

Miles shrugs as she yawns again. “I take naps.” Resting her head on Jill’s shoulder, she closes her eyes and falls asleep. Jill shifts into a more comfortable position and follows suit.

~

“How about you stop staring at the lady and offer to rub her ankle already, John?” The giant of a man glares at his merry companion and sighs.

“She’s so pretty. What did Robin say her name was again?”

“Angelica. Marian calls her ‘Angi’ though. Go talk to her. I can’t take you mooning any longer. It’s gone past depressing; it’s pathetic. 

“Asher is right. Go. Talk. You look sad.” John turns around to look at Polo who snuck up unnoticed to listen.

“It’s not that easy, friend. Girls don’t talk to big oafs like me. I’d probably scare her. You saw how she jumped at the loud boom earlier.”

Polo shrugs his shoulders as he heads back out into the woods, kicking at some brush. “Your lose.”

John calls after Polo, “You mean ‘your loss!’”

“What loss is whose, Little John?” Robin pats his best friend-in-arms on his back and follows John’s gaze across the camp site to where Marian is preparing the evening meal, chattering happily with the maiden he rescued.

“Ah. I could introduce you, if you want. You should be wary of her rapier wit though.”

John pales and starts to follow the path Polo took into the forest, pausing only when he feels Robin’s hand restraining him.

“Come back, Little John. She’s not going to try to cut you with her words if you don’t tease her about her fall. Let’s go. Asher’s right. We have got to fix this, dear friend.”

Seeing her husband and Little John making their way towards her and Angelica, Marian drops her voice to a whisper, “Angi, don’t look just now but Robin is coming over with Little John who hasn’t taken his eyes off of you since you were carried into camp. Despite his size, John has the gentlest soul I’ve ever met. I would see it as a personal kindness if you would go easy on him.”

Angelica nods as she tries to sit up straighter, nervously smoothing out the shawl Marian loaned her. She had noticed the quiet giant monitoring the perimeter all afternoon, his eyes scanning the trees but always finding their way back to her when he thought he wouldn’t be caught. They had locked eyes once and his face had flushed so heavily, he resembled an eggplant.

Robin walks up to his wife with a very merry twinkle in his eye, extend a hand, and says, “My love, it is a beautiful evening for a stroll. Will you walk with me?”

Marian rolls her eyes and glances apologetically at Angelica, “He may be a good man, but he’s not a subtle one.”

Hand in hand, Robin and Marian head off on their walk, leaving a very flustered John hovering over Angelica. Not knowing what to say, Angelica just looks up at John until he drops down to sit next to her, face flushing ever redder. She can feel the eyes of everyone in the camp on them. They continue to sit in silence, John resolutely looking anywhere else but at the girl.

Angelica lets out a sigh and John’s face only flushes more. Internally, John berates himself for following Robin. What was he thinking? Now he’s actually so close every breath he takes in smells of her and he’s hopelessly tongue-tied. He’s sure Angelica now thinks he’s not just a lumbering oaf, but the most boring oaf she’s ever had the misfortune to meet. John is pulled out of his self-pity when Angelica lets out a low hiss. Looking down at the girl in alarm, he sees her holding her ankle. She’s so bored with him that she tried to get up to move away from him!

Severely crushed, John decides to get up and, as he starts to move, Angelica says, “If you wouldn’t mind handing over that cup of water before you go, that would be great. I’m parched and it doesn’t look like my ankle wants to cooperate.”

John easily grabs the cup of water and hands it over to her. She smiles at him as she takes the cup before sipping. John sits back down. “Okay, if you’re not going to speak, _I_ have got to say something. So if you prefer quiet, I won’t be offended if you run now.”

John clears his throat and says softly, “I don’t mind. I don’t talk much.”

When Robin and Marian finally return, they’re amused to see John laughing at something Angelica just said.

“What has the maid said that has you laughing so loudly, Little John?” 

“I was saying that for someone who doesn’t talk much, he sure gossips a lot.”

Robin beams at Angelica and whispers conspiratorially, “He puts the old biddies in any town to shame. It took a whole month before Polo forgave him for accidentally sharing that he saw Polo buy a necklace for Meyer.”

Angelica turns to look at John and asks, “What’s wrong with buying a necklace for another guy?”

John shakes his head, burying it in his big hands.

Marian pipes up, “Meyer had his eye on the necklace….for Asher.”

Robin lets out a loud bark of laughter. “It was a very awkward month.”

John joins in the laughter as he gets up. “I’m going to go stoke the fire for the evening.”

Later that evening after everyone had hungrily devoured the delicious meal Marian had cooked, Angelica finds herself sitting near the fire, leaning against John, laughing as he whispers gossip into her ear about the Merry Men. John sees her fighting off another yawn and gathers up his courage to wrap an arm around the tired girl. Angelica gratefully curls up closer to her new friend and falls asleep. John contentedly gazes into the fire, feeling rather tired himself.

He barely registers Marian calling sleepily over the fire, “Looks like everyone is getting tired. And the moon isn’t even up yet.”


	6. A Weary Troll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well then, if we’re going to wait, there’s no point in doing it on empty stomachs. On with the feast!”

Jacob drags the bodies behind him, grumbling to himself. “What do they know? I work hard, I bring home the man-meat, but do I ever get a thank you? Not even a shred of respect.” Jacob was a troll, but he was unlike every other troll he’d ever met. He strove to speak properly, he cared about other people’s wellbeing, and he had a very distinct un-troll like name. The Head Troll and his wife never let Jacob forget that he was only part troll, a half breed that was detested by trolls and humans alike.

When his mother had died in childbirth—no human woman had ever survived birthing a troll—his grandparents had left him in the Forest, hoping he’d die. The Mackens had been checking their traps when they happened upon the troll baby. Scummy, despite Deplora’s adamant refusal to take care of the baby, decided to bring Jacob back to the pack. As Head Troll, he had that right.

As Jacob grew up, the pack thinned out from five members to just the three of them, as Scummy’s nasty, self-righteous attitude chased away everyone else. With nowhere to go and nothing to fight for, Jacob was resigned to being the Mackens’ workhorse. He was tired of this life and longed to be free of it. Today was no different, but he was hopeful Scummy might actually sneer at him less when he showed up with not one tiny human child, but four delicious adult humans for dinner. 

Jacob looks behind him to check on the state of the humans he’s dragging. One of the women is starting to wake up, but as he drags her over a rock, she bumps her head and blacks out again. The other woman’s arm still has an arrow in it from when Jacob found her. The third woman has her hands clasped tightly with the man’s, both still out cold. Jacob sighs and continues to trudge on.

~

“LOOK OUT!” David tried to warn the pretty maiden standing in the clearing. It was rotten luck that had caused the deer to catch a whiff of David’s scent and dash right past the young woman. As the arrow flew through the air, David fervently hoped it would go wide only to cringe when he saw the arrow land in the woman’s arm. Before David could run over, the ground began to shake as a troll walked over to the woman who, by now, had passed out.

The troll sniffs at the woman. He picks her up and shakes her a little. David is surprised to see a good amount of silver fall out. The woman whimpers a little but doesn’t wake up. David quietly notches another arrow, trying to find the perfect position to take down the troll without harming the woman further. He owed her that much. Suddenly, the troll stops and looks around as if catching a scent. David freezes and then curses his luck as the troll snatches up the woman and starts walking back down the path he came. David waits a few minutes to avoid being spotted before coming out from his hiding spot and follows the troll. He pauses only to pick up the silver left behind in the hopes of returning it to the woman when he finally had a chance to apologize.

~

“Snow, stop biting your lip. You’re going to end up with a hole in it. We’ll find David.”

Snow doesn’t need to look back at Mak to know she is wearing her notorious scowl that forced even the nastiest and most brutish of envoys to take a step or two back when the Queen’s most trusted advisor came bearing down on them. Only those closest to the vertically challenged woman knew that she had a tender heart and guarded it viciously with a thorny, intimidating façade.

They soon arrive at David’s usual hunting spot. They can see where he had left his horse to graze, but can’t find any sign of the man. Snow dismounts and starts to follow the tracks on foot. Mak follows immediately behind her, holding back a gasp when she spots the dried blood on the grass in the clearing.

“Those look like troll tracks.”

“But it looks like David is following the troll, Mak. Why would he be tracking a troll? And who was wounded?”

The two women quickly return to mount their horses and start to follow the tracks.

Several hours pass before they find David hiding up in a tree. Snow lets out a quiet sigh of relief and then looks confused when she sees David flailing his arms at her.

Suddenly, Dusk lets out a whinny as she feels her rider fall off her back. Mak reacts to the ambush too late and the troll knocks Snow unconscious. Gritting her teeth, Mak immediately unfurls her chain whip and sends it flying towards the troll. She curses as the troll manages to dodge just out of her reach.

David jumps down from his perch and starts throwing rocks that only irritate the troll. Mak doesn’t have time to roll her eyes as David has the air knocked out of him by the troll and blacks out. All alone, Mak lets go of the reins, frees her feet from the stirrups and, with her whip rewrapped around her arm, stands up on Spankles’s back. She pulls out the pair of sais she keeps hidden in her boots and jumps off her horse, aiming straight for the troll’s gullet. 

The troll grunts in anger as he sees the furious, petite woman flying through the air at him. While he is unable to move out of the way, the troll manages to turn fast enough to take the brunt of Mak’s attack in his shoulder. Relentless, Mak leaves one sai lodged in the troll’s shoulder and tries to slice both of his legs with the other sai as she lands on her feet. The troll howls in pain and backhands Mak who hits her head against the tree David was hiding in.

Dusk squeals in alarm and gallops off towards the palace. Spankles snorts and moves to nuzzle Mak awake. The woman groans at the contact and barely opens her eyes. The troll reaches out to grab Spankles’s reins. With an angry roar, Spankles kicks out with his hooves at the troll, pulls free, and gallops after Dusk.

~

Victoria looks up in surprise as two horses gallop past her to the stables. She loses her footing as Joshua pulls her back, conveniently into his arms.

Annoyed, Victoria arches an elegant eyebrow at the lord still holding her. “I was perfectly fine, Josh, until you unbalanced me.”

Too oblivious to leverage the opening to flirt with the beautiful girl in his arms, Josh meekly replies, “That was the Queen’s horse and by the sound of the squeal, something horrible has happened.”

Victoria gently peels Josh’s hands off of her arms and quips, “Were you a groom in a past life or do you just know everything about everything?”

Josh somberly shakes his head, “I don’t think so. I just know horses. That’s all. Anyway, we should head in. Zenobia will want to know all three horses have returned rider less. Never a good sign.”

Before Victoria can protest, she finds her hand in Josh’s. She follows him into the palace. They make their way past the great hall and, just as Victoria is about to protest, she realizes where they are headed. Of course, Zenobia would be in the kitchens!

As they barge into the kitchens, Zenobia looks up from the list she is consulting with the head cook, Laicon. Despite the disheveled appearance Josh presented in what could only be described as a court jester’s outfit, Zenobia knew better than to discount whatever the man had to say. Josh wasn’t just the richest noble at court, he was also one of the most knowledgeable.

After Josh recounts what he and Victoria saw, Zenobia asks, “So what do you think we should do? Send out the Queen’s personal guards?”

Josh shrugs and answers simply, “We wait.”

Zenobia pauses for a moment. She looks at Laicon who nods back at her. “Well then, if we’re going to wait, there’s no point in doing it on empty stomachs. On with the feast!”


	7. Chapter 7 PREVIEW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...But you should see all the people we’ve become friends with that started out thinking they had no choice but to kill us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Given recent developments in life and with those this fic was written for, this is discontinued indefinitely. I just figured I'd post what I had started writing for what would have been Chapter 7: A Merry Chase in case anyone was interested.

Cal wakes up to loud, grumbling voices growling at each other. 

“I told you! We should have left him in the Forest all those years ago.”

“Quiet, woman! I am the leader of this pack. My decisions are final. How dare you question me?”

“I wish you had left me all those years ago! Living with you both has been torture!”

Cal sees the leader backhand a smaller troll across the face. The trolls are so busy arguing, they haven’t noticed that Cal is awake.

“Shut up, Jacob! Before my husband slaps you again. You’ve always been useless.”

“I am _not_ useless!”

“You brought back four humans for dinner and only one of them has any meat on their bones. The other three are women. _Their_ bones aren’t even strong enough to pick my teeth with!

“Leave him alone, wife. Let’s go and see if the Dark One has left our bridge yet. Jacob, watch the humans. Shouldn’t be that hard even for you.”

Cackling, the female troll follows her husband and leader as he heads out and disappears among the trees. Cal watches the smaller troll drop down near her feet. Still wary, Cal doesn’t move and works on controlling her breathing to keep her heartbeat steady. She’s startled to hear the troll sniffle but doesn’t let her guard down.

“You don’t have to stay with them if you don’t want to.”

Cal’s head snaps towards the direction of the voice. She had been so intent on listening to the conversation the trolls were having she hadn’t noticed that the other two women were also awake. The man, however, remained unconscious.

Jacob is too stunned to move and wipes his nose with a large, grimy hand.

“I don’t have anywhere else to go. Scummy and Deplora are all I have.”

Cal grimaces as the other woman howls with laughter. She must have a death wish.

“Mak, laughing at him won’t make him want to be our friend.”

“Sorry, Snow, but we’ve just heard that so many times now, I wish people could know they always have a choice.”

Hearing the names used, Cal squints against the dying light of the afternoon and eyes the two women more closely. She recognizes them and struggles to breathe as a cold, icy fear settles heavily in her stomach. Once the trolls realize they have the Queen captured, they will surely ransom her and her companion back to the kingdom. Which left Cal to be eaten for dinner. _Bloody_ _fantastic_.

“Jacob, isn’t it? That’s your name, right? Look, I’m sorry for laughing. But you should see all the people we’ve become friends with that started out thinking they had no choice but to kill us."

“I’m a troll. It’s what we do. We hunt humans to kill and eat. If I don’t, Scummy will kill _me_.”

“Okay, that may be what you’re told you want. Is that what you really want?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, just indulge me. You’re going to kill me and eat me for dinner. Least you can do is answer a question.”

“I’m not going to eat you. You’re plumper than the other two. Deplora will want you for her dinner.”

“Fascinating. Thanks for that, Jacob. Every girl loves being told she’s fatter than her friends. Moving on from my imminent demise for a moment…what would you want if you could have anything? You know they say that if you wish it hard enough, your heart’s wish will call out to the Blue Fairy and she will come grant it if she deems it worthy.” 

“Why don’t _you_ wish to be freed?”

“Two reasons. First, she doesn’t really like me. Second, that’s not my heart’s greatest wish. And don’t think I didn’t notice you evading my question.”

Jacob mutters something and his face flushes.

“Hey there, Tomato, no one heard that.” Mak and Snow look over at Cal in surprise.

“You’re awake!”

Cal rolls her eyes at the woman named Mak and snarks, “Well spotted.”

Mak blinks at the woman and turns her head towards Snow. “She’s feisty. I say we keep her.”


End file.
